Guest Article: The Circumdecision

By: Nurse Papa

August 29th, 2020

Recently Horsefeathers Magazine was approached about guest article publishing by someone ostensibly delirious – I mean, who in their right mind would ever publish anything on here? We're having a hard time ourselves.
Apparently this guy is a pediatric nurse and father who thinks he can actually give parenting advice.
What is truly flabbergasting is that he for some preposterous reason – after just a few roofies – made the wholly autonomous decision to publish guest articles on here as an ongoing series.
Obviously we refused this offer at first as to establish dominance, but after a few more roofies we accepted.


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Dear Nurse Papa fans, please join the many thoughtful parents around the country who have written to Nurse Papa with their questions about the trials and tribulations of modern parenting. No matter the question, Nurse Papa will respond to all your letters personally and post his responses to the best ones here. Send your letters to david@nursepapathebook.com and write Dear Nurse Papa in the subject line.

Dear Nurse Papa,

We have a question about penises. If our unborn baby comes out with one, we have to decide if we will circumcise him or not. We've been waffling. Our first thought is: NO, it's unnecessary and we have no religious impetus to do it. If we choose not to do it and he's given the choice to do it himself later in life, he'll most likely NOT elect to, so why should we?

But, we could just as easily say YES, Of course we will trim that wang. We feel it looks more "standard" or "normal" to circumcise. With this procedure he'll keep his STDs to himself better and we'll only have to struggle to get him to wash his hands before eating versus always nagging him to wash his wee.

We don’t know what to do. We think of the pain and the stinging, and the risk of infection as his circumcised penis heals—all this potentially happening to our tiny little baby—but then, I think queasily of his grown up anteater wee and can't make a choice! Sigh.

Help us, Nurse Papa. You are our only hope. (Obi Wang did not return our correspondence)

Love, two concerned queer parents

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Dear Two Concerned Queer Parents,

So, penises. What to do? I am pleased to address this increasingly common query of modern parenthood because, I too, faced the exact same choice before my first child was born. Like yourselves, we chose to keep the sex of our first child a mystery. While this was certainly the best surprise either of us had ever experienced it did not absolve us from our first difficult parenting paradox: if the baby had a dick, would we snip it or save it? Would we snip and then save it? Would we save it for snipping later?

First, let’s address your health concerns:

1. Washing The wee? Circumcision does indeed allow for more convenient washing of the penis. Just like that space of floor under your couch where families of dust bunnies procreate and shit, the part of the penis obscured by the foreskin (meatus) tends to receive less attention. However, just as boys can be taught to clean their rooms and teeth, they can be taught to clean their dicks. When they are younger, you can help them.
2. Urinary Tract Infections? Most boys, circumcised or not, do not experience them, but these infections ARE more common in uncircumcised boys. Any UTI can be dangerous and difficult to detect with a baby or young toddler. Babies can't talk, so until some linguist invents a baby sign language sign that communicates "Mom, Dad, my dick is on fire!" you will need to be vigilant about checking that area for redness or inflammation.
3. Transmitting wang diseases? The public health jury is still out on this one. Safe sexual practices are your best bet against contraction and transmitting. Teach your boys, cut or not, about the DOs and DONTs of using their wangs well with others.

Now, regarding your emotional, philosophical, and societal wee concerns:

1. What is Standard anyway? You wrote that it looks more "standard" or "normal" to circumcise which is true (only about 25% of male babies are UNcircumcised in the US), but the rate of circumcision is a moving target in all places. Also, the incidence varies highly between countries and cultures. Your boy’s uncut wee may feel out of place in West Virginia (10% uncut), but then find itself among friends in England (80% uncut) and virtually lost in the penis crowd in Honduras or Japan (almost 100% uncut). Don’t concern yourself with what all the other dicks look like and DO get that wang a passport!
2. Dick like Dad’s? You did not reveal your parental genders so I don’t know if there are currently any penises residing in your household. Many parents choose to circumcise their kids so that their wee will resemble that of their father's, but you probably would not consider making your blue-eyed child wear tinted contact lenses to match his father’s brown eyes, would you? In any case, those two wangs will not often appear side by side (I hope). Every person is their own person. Let dad be dad and son be son.
3. Anteater wee? Wow, I wish I could train my penis to feast on ants. We would save so much money on pest exterminators. I think that you will find that, as perfect as they may seem, so many aspects of your children will at some point make you queasy, but you will just as certainly get over it. This morning, my naked three-year-old son took a big dump on a chair in our kitchen. At some point, this indignity might have grossed me out. Now, though, it has become just one among many long series of poops outside of a toilet which I must clean. As a parent and as a pediatric nurse, poop has long lost its gross out power over me. You, too, will eventually get over your son’s cute anteater wee. You might even learn to love it.

As you probably figured out already, my advice will probably not swing you in one direction or the other (penis pun intended) but will merely give you some much needed perspective. Ultimately, my wife and I chose not to circumcise our second child who did turn out to have a penis. My rationale then was that, once removed, a foreskin cannot be replaced (super glue?). In making such difficult decisions for my children, I try to consider the alternative to action—inaction—to be just as viable of an option. What you don’t do as a parent is sometimes your strongest move.

What’s right for us, though, may not be right for you. In reality, the question of circumcision is an intensely personal decision that only you, your partner, and perhaps your son can some day make. It is fine to take advice from others regarding their experience, but take all anecdotal evidence with a grain of salt. Everybody seems to believe that their own personal experience is reflective of the mean experience of the rest of the population, but this is simply not true. There are horror stories out there for just about anything. In 2009, a girl allegedly found a condom in her fast food french fries. Even though it is gross, that story does not stop me from ordering french fries, no way. I’m just glad those french-kissing fries now practice safe sex too.

Love ya so much,

Nurse Papa

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