August 8th, 2020
Okay, so maybe there's a slight discrepancy between which part we're actually at and where we're at emotionally.
Today we'll continue our series of helpful do's and don'ts to guide you weirdos towards normalcy.
There are many ways of becoming an accepted member of state regulated civil society – self-transformation is just one of them.
So just to be clear: You don't need to change who you are, but you really should.
1. Do not contact your friends
Under no circumstance should you ever initiate contact with your friends – or anyone for that matter. Wait for them to come to you. This will establish precious
social value (which you can later – if you accumulate enough – trade for actual, real life nothing). When invariably no one – not even your mom – contacts you, rightfully assume
it's because they never really liked you.
2. Do not take responsibility for your own life
Keep telling yourself the world is indebted to you, and you deserve something else than what you get. If you were to take responsibility that would mean any failures you encounter could actually be your own fault,
which would be detrimental to your cherished victimhood and could lead to – god forbid – learning from your mistakes or – even worse – personal growth.
3. Do acquire a bunch of plants
Surrounding yourself with nature will do wonders for your mood, mental instability, and indoor climate (looking at you, Kenneth!). Proceed to neglect your plants nutritionally and emotionally until they die of
dehydration, starvation and, primarily, loneliness. Realize you can't be trusted with this kind of responsibility and get a pet – or better yet a child.
4. Do not believe positive feedback
People have no interest in what you do and especially not who you are – which is a delicious double whammy for any artist types, career people, or human beings. If anyone says anything nice about your
achievements, it's exclusively because they've been raised to be unnecessarily polite and are secretly wishing you would just go away – this also goes for your parents.
5. Do build walls around you
Keep people at arm's length at all times. Make sure no one ever sees you for who you are. Then proceed to wonder why you always feel lonely and misunderstood. For added benefit whine self-righteously and wallow in self-pity.
6. Do fight the urge to stare at the microwave
Arguably, spinning food beats anything on tv, but watching it go round and round is a delight reserved for children below the age of four foot nine. While we're at it: Do not get surprised by your own reflection – that's a delight
reserved for children below the age of two, and an alarmingly large assortment of otherwise perfectly acceptable animals.
7. Do pretend to be productive
Start so many projects that you'll never be able to finish any of them. Let the stress of trying to do everything at once ruin your mind, body, and relationships, and then try to make yourself believe you're being insanely productive, because
you've got so much going on (although all you ever do is exploring your navel cavity). Never do anything you actually enjoy, because pleasure is diametrically opposed to productivity – if you're not constantly purgatorily miserable, you're not working hard enough.
