July 26th, 2020
So, due to god knows what (most likely childhood emotional neglect) you've decided to venture out on the arduous endeavour that is eating soup with a fork. I can't for the life of me imagine why anyone would do this,
but here's how to go about it:
Eating soup with a fork is actually easy: You put your fork into the soup, lift up some soup, blow on it, put it in your mouth, and swallow (the soup, not the fork).
No, of course not! Don't be a nimrod.
Eating soup with a fork is the closest thing to impossible since the invention of logical contradictions.
Eating soup with a fork is nothing but a guaranteed way to go hungry.
The only way you'll ever get any soup if you insist on using a fork is to shovel like crazy – but doing that will just have you spread yourself too thin (especially cause you won't get any soup) and leave you rightfully thinking eating soup shouldn't be this improbably exhausting.
And don't even try to tell yourself this could make for a good workout – or a new fad diet.
With enough backbreaking effort you might be able to coax a singular, unlucky piece of scallion onto the fork, but it's gonna be a life-and-death struggle, and trust me that scallion has no intention of giving in without a 12-round match.
You're never gonna get a real taste of the soup, cause all you're doing is sitting around biting the fork like some kind of mentally challenged kumquat.
You'll be wishing you had some chicken soup instead of the bowl of clear piss you've been served so you could at least stab up some chunks with the fork, but chances are no one's dumb enough to make that trade.
Eating soup with a fork is really only a good strategy if you for some grotesque reason want cold and stale soup – if you wait long enough you'll even have to chuck it without ever having gotten a taste of it.
Of course this way you can delude yourself into believing you're staying safe from getting burned, but living in fear like that won't get you fed either.
No one told you to eat soup with a fork in the first place, so why do you keep trying to make something so demonstrably moronic work?
If you keep at it for long enough your frustration may lead you to conclude you'll never be able to get a satisfying forkful of soup no matter which way you turn the fork (which is one hundred metric percent correct) – but the solution is actually glaringly obvious: Throw away the fork and start slurping from the bowl!
Was this all a metaphor about ridding yourself of defective life strategies and living life to the fullest? Who knows? It's definitely the most optimal way to eat soup.
