July 21st, 2020
Are you also sick and tired of everyone – including your mom and pet rock – calling you a "cave dweller" (without the slightest hint of endearment)?
Worry not! Here at Horsefeathers Magazine everyone is unquestionably normal and absolutely socially adept, so we can and will guide you out of your misery.
Follow these tips and in the eyes of your crush you'll certainly go from "not" to "maybe if I'm really drunk" – or at least in the eyes of your mother.
1. Stop lying to yourself
Remember the first rule of self-improvement: You are just not good enough.
Stop trying to tell yourself you deserve to be loved and appreciated just for being alive – that's not how anything works.
That little voice inside your head telling you you're unattractive, boring and generally unworthy is… well… we don't want to say it's right – but it's right.
The theory that natural selection will
at some point favor the intellectual and tech-savvy is a lie made up by nerds to distract from the fact
that they can't use their big brains to figure out how to become normal, well-liked and attractive human beings.
Sure, it might come true in like a few hundred thousand years when mankind has finally adapted to modern
life, but that time frame ever so slightly exceeds the lifespan of most contemporary nerds – maybe there's hope for your grandchildren, but the way you're going they'll remain a hypotheticality. Darwin can't help you, but we can.
Also, sapiosexuality is a myth; no one cares that much about intelligence – you're good to go as long as you understand
the people on tv aren't really that small and vaccines don't work.
You have to wake up and realize that you can't stay a nerd and also hope to achieve your actual dreams (sex, popularity, a better childhood).
2. Have sex
Anyone – including blind people – can smell that
you're a permanent resident of the Virgin Islands. Sadly, trying to get laid as a virgin is very much like trying to find a job
without any prior employment: It seems paradoxically impossible, and when you finally get something it's dissatisfying, oddly painful, and with someone constantly yelling at you for doing it wrong.
Some of you may object and say you have had sex. In that case, please refer to tip number 1.
Now, unfortunately there's no university from which you can graduate magnum cum louder with a bachelor in cunnilinguistics, so you're
gonna have to figure this one out for yourself – that's what unpaid internships are for.
3. Be extroverted
The introverted/extroverted distinction is totally just made up pseudo-scientific psycho babble designed to be a self-fulfilling
prophecy to keep introverts locked up in their tiny little boxes of insecurity. Breaking out is hardly any more difficult than cooking cup noodles:
All you have to do is power through all of your social anxiety, awkwardness, lack of communication skills, general
dislikability, and halitosis. There's no need to be afraid of interacting with other people. If you just open up and
put yourself out there, what you'll find is that people won't judge you for the things you're insecure about – they'll judge you
for even smaller things (like your penis – especially if you're a girl).
4. Be confident
Better yet: just act confident. No one cares if you can back up your arrogance, and we have collectively
agreed that the most important thing in life is an over-inflated ego (how else are you gonna be a head of state?).
Confidence is just a lack of introspection, so the easiest way to become more confident is to
stop trying to actually better yourself.
Use positive affirmations. Stand in front of the mirror daily and tell yourself you're the shit,
and – with persistent blood, sweat and especially tears – one day you'll find that you as a person have
blossomed into a true piece of shit.
5. Fashion
Make sure to follow the trend of looking like everyone else by trying to be unique – just don't make the fatal mistake of actually being
unique. A true hipster understands that fashion and trends are government conspiracies designed to propagate consumerism and in the most cunningly clever way
combats this conspiracy by "ironically" doing exactly what the system wants them to – and so should you.
6. Tan
Since you – in order to better see your screen – have been blocking out the sun by dwelling in your mom's cave for the last couple of centuries, even Gollum thinks you look kind of freaky.
Go out and get some sun.
Of course you have to consider the risks of increased sun-exposure: skin cancer, retina damage, wrinkles, and the list goes on – seeing as you're an unnecessarily rational being these
adversities obviously shouldn't matter to you.
7. Be interesting
"But I have plenty of interests?!" you complain. No. No, you don't. You have plenty of strange obsessions. Those don't count. It's only interesting if others care.
Get into sports. The only Einstein you should know about is Lance Armstrong.
Start partying. The only chemistry you should be doing is mixing cocktails – or, if you're feeling adventurous, go full "Breaking Bad".
Start dating. The only physics you should study is how bodies attract.
Get fit. The only problems you should be working out are those spaghetti-arms. And yes, being attractive will absolutely and justifiedly make you inherently more interesting – and it'll help you believe those affirmations.
In conclusion: Don't try to make yourself believe you're okay just as you are – you're weird and awkward, and until you implement the tips above you'll never
live up to your full potential. The only alternative would be to completely change society but that's just not a real possibility for a nerd.
If none of this works, you can always build your own little utopia in virtual reality.
