May 23rd, 2020
Welcome to today's satsang, my beloved devotees!
What on God's beautiful mother Earth is a "satsang" you ask?
Fuck if I know, but it's a great buzzword to make people listen to your deep, spiritual
and profoundly incoherent ramblings.
Today I will share with you ten secrets for better meditations. This is very esoteric information
closely guarded by those in the now – but today I'm gonna spill the beans, and also I will share those secrets.
1. Cushion for the pushin'
You need a comfortable cushion upon which to place your tub of lard. If you sit uncomfortably your mind will
be more agitated than a sorority during tomato week. So make sure you buy a good meditation cushion. Contrary to what you think it's actually not at all
important which exact meditation cushion you get as long as it's one of my patented "Guru Vantufak Total
Mind and Body Relaxation 432 Hz Cushions".
2. Create the right atmosphere
Keep the air in your meditation space nice and clean. Air out often, finally clear out that strange, green, sentient mold,
and do something about that reeking pile of laundry. How are you supposed to focus on your breath if you are constantly
distracted by smells? So although you think incense is super spiritual, don't light any – and whatever you do,
under no circumstance should you ever fart.
Also, take a shower you filthy animal.
3. Wear the right clothes
I know it's called "formal meditation practice", but don't put on a suit – the last thing you want to do is
make your subconscious believe it's in a business meeting; we're trying to meditate, not sleep.
You want to wear something comfortable like sweatpants – or a traditional Buddhist robe, if you're a nerd.
Alternatively, you could meditate in the nude; this can be very freeing, and I would definitely recommend it to anyone
doing group meditation.
4. Breathe
The breath is the most important part of meditation. Feel how your breath flows through you like water through a beautiful
river – or, if you're a smoker, like mud through an exhaust pipe.
If you concentrate deliberately with unbroken focus, you might – with a bit of practice, patience and luck –
be able to get to a stage where you can smell what's for dinner.
5. Contact your spirit guides
Depending on which superstitions you subscribe to, this is done by either chanting, praying or sacrificing a virgin goat.
When you have established contact, ask for assistance with some particular challenge you're facing in life, like managing
your career, dealing with your family, or doing the dishes.
You might be wondering: "How can I tell if I'm in contact with my spirit guides or if I'm just hearing voices?"
You can't, really.
6. Rituals
You need a good routine to get you in the right frame of mind before your meditation. Have a little ritual you can do
every time you get ready for a meditation. Get some chalk, draw a pentagram and summon your inner demons.
Then have your inner demons fight your spirit guides in an epic battle – this really beats most of the
"entertainment" on tv. If you disagree, you suffer from a severe lack of Charles Bonnet syndrome.
7. Servitude
This may be the most important secret on the list: To have a truly fruitful meditation, you need to generate goodwill,
and the best way to do that is to serve your guru. The most preferable service is generous donations.
If you don't have any money, there are other services you can perform (if you know what I mean).
8. Diet
Before you meditate, you shouldn't eat meat, sugar, or grease (as a general rule of thumb, you probably shouldn't at any time eat hair products).
You also want to stay away from stimulants like coffee, energy drinks, or cocaine.
On a day-to-day basis you should go vegan or at least vegetarian, else you're never gonna get to a point where you're truly part of the hippie community.
9. Crystals
Nah, I'm just kidding; crystals don't do shit.
10. Do drugs
Judging from all the "statistically significant", completely scientific anecdotal evidence in the psychedellic community, shrooms and DMT will totally
open your third eye, connect you to your true Self and benefit you in all the same ways as meditation, duuude.
So if you can't be arsed with all the hard work of sitting down, relaxing and goddamn breathing, just smoke some drugs. That's how I did it.
In case you're a minor: Don't fucking tell your parents this was my idea.
