May 10th, 2020
Some people think individuality, unique personality and liberalism are the pinnacle of personal maturity and for some grotesque reason believe the best way to contribute to society
is to march to the beat of tooting your own horn. Get this: These people actually think – and we know this sounds ridiculous – that freedom is a "basic human right".
These individualists are just too embarrassed to admit they don't understand the inner workings of society. Luckily, we are here to provide guidance and save you from the death trap that is free will, democracy and "opportunities".
True freedom is conformity. With this helpful series of articles (don't keep your eyes peeled for the next one, cause you'll be crying sand by then) you'll learn how to effortlessly blend in with the rest of the sheeple (that's a term of endearment). Follow these pointers and you won't ever again have to bother with the cumbersome task
of making decisions for yourself.
1. Question authority
But only the authorities you're told to question.
2. Crossing the street
Only walk across the street when everyone else does. Look for a strong leader who can shepherd the flock when the light turns green. Do not under any
circumstance attempt to cross the road of your own accord.
Alternatively, you can become the strong leader. This is a great opportunity to practice and estimate your charisma. See how many people you can keep from crossing the street
by confidently standing still when the light turns green (if no one stays standing looking at you for permission to cross the road, you should
reconsider those dreams of entering into politics – or getting married). Or, as a fun prank, you can feign walking while the light is still red and see how many people you can get killed.
3. Escape reality
You – like everyone else – are a powerless (and, quite frankly, largely meaningless) cog in a machine too vast to be tampered with. Rebellion, criticism and
infantile rage against it don't make much of a difference – if anything these things just strengthen the monstrosity. The only reasonable thing to do is to accept it
and then through daily sustained effort pretend to forget about it by watching tv, playing games or, god forbid, reading books. Keep yourself occupied with instant gratification (actually, instant gratification
should be your overall life-guiding principle) and let the system do its job. Providing personal data for targeted advertising (and – more importantly – mass surveillance) is much more productive for everyone involved than trying to claw your way out of your consumerist coffin (hey, at least it looks nice; hooray for materialism!). There is no escape; only escapism.
4. Work on your tan
Beauty is most definitely worth dying a slow, regrettable and exceedingly uncomfortable skin-cancer death for.
5. Worry about everything
If life hasn't yet got you on your knees begging for mercy, you will have to take matters into your own hands. Develop anxiety as fast as possible – preferably yesterday. Nothing screams "freaky weirdo" as loud as optimism.
To get you started, here's a list of helpful and productive thoughts:
- "Did I leave the stove on?"
- "Did I remember to shower?" (if no, continue with: "How bad do I smell?"; if yes, continue with: "How do I still smell this bad?!")
- "Am I attractive?"
- "People are probably just being polite when they pretend to listen to me."
- "Am I good enough?" (to get some extra bang for your buck, you can specify a long list of areas in which you feel inadequate (start with the bedroom) – write it down and keep it in your wallet)
- "Do I deserve to be loved?"
- "Has my life actually been worth living?" (this one gets more potent with age – just like a fine egg)
If none of those do the trick, set up a social media account and obsess over why no one likes your posts.
A word of warning: Never admit you feel anxious, depressed and confused; that will just get you sent to therapy (although therapy is becoming an increasingly popular trend with the kids). Everyone feels that way but admitting it is a sign of weakness. Keep that shit bottled up like the rest of us.
6. Clean your room
We know how asinine it seems to clean something that will undeniably get dirty again within at most two or three business seconds, but living in filth makes you filth by association.
7. Stress
Death is inevitable so make sure you're in a constant hurry to get as much done as possible before you kick the canister. It doesn't really matter what you do, just make sure you're feeling a perpetual pressure to do more faster. That way you'll also get to the final destination much quicker; you wanna win the race, don't you? Stress kills, and that's a good thing; the best
population control is having people willingly kill themselves – doing it with stress will even make them believe they're being important.
Alternatively, you can opt to do absolutely nothing and stress about how you're going nowhere in life.
8. Spend too much time on education
If you're one of the unfortunate ones who still have a few years of precious youth left, make sure to waste it on an education that afterwards will benefit you about as much as a pair of reverse fingerless gloves.
If you really apply yourself you might – with a bit of luck – be able to acquire a legitimately crippling debt.
9. Hate your job
If you love what you do, it's just a matter of time before you grow to hate it (this goes for spouses, too). Don't ruin a perfectly good hobby. Find a job (and spouse) you hate so you have a reason for your alcoholism and domestic abuse.
10. Be fashionable
While we, like children at Christmas, eagerly await implantable thought-control microchips, the best way to signal to your fellow humanoids that what you have running through your head is the same garbage they have running through theirs is outward appearances.
But don't just keep your wardrobe up to date, get the latest new technogical gadgets and gizmos, too. Especially "clever" phones. You need to make sure Big Brother can monitor and track as much of your life as possible (and just admit you like the thought of him watching while you touch yourself); that's the only way
he can properly care for you.
Being fashionable may sound like a foolishly expensive endeavour but just remember: First impressions are way more important than sustenance.
