May 2nd, 2020
Hello my darlings!
This one's for all you free-bleeding, nature-loving new age hippos, I mean, hillbillies, I mean, disgusting hippies.
You may know how to take your date to the cinema, you may know how to be romantic at a restaurant, you may even have mastered
the secret art of Netflix and chili (heads-up: "Dinner and a movie" has very quickly gone from "bad idea", through
"romantic and sweet" to "so 2016" – you should look into this new dating trend that's becoming popular with the kids:
"Redtube and anal"), but a true dating connoisseur knows how to tackle a much more intimidating beast: the picnic.
Fear not! I'm the world's greatest dating expert (not just by circumference), and I will teach you how to picnic like you're getting paid for it.
1. Find the right basket
Size matters! It's 2020, folks, we should be able to admit this by now. Too often I see people through my binoculars waddling through the woods with a basket that would make Smurfette feel like the Jolly Blue Giant.
What did you even bring to eat? Half an olive? That's not a meal, you freakishly skinny bitches! Speaking of skinny bitches: Make sure to bring some alcohol; nothing says "summer" like a
vodka on the rocks – or just on the blanket if you can't find suitable stones.
Some people use their old bags to carry stuff, but I don't think that's a very nice way to treat mother. Bringing your mom along for a date is also just incredibly strange behavior.
No, what you need is a real basket with thermal insulation, at least six compartments, and a hidden passage to Narnia so you can plunder The White Witch's fridge for some delightful turkey.
2. Bring the right food
Not all food is suitable for a picnic. Or, I mean, it is, but apparently we're supposed to be "civil".
Here are my suggestions:
- Sandwiches
- A nice Caesar salad – without the knife
- A bunch of berries – but no blackberries; you don't wanna look like an outdated loser
- A whole pig roast – or, if you're feeling peckish, two
- A fruitcake (no, I didn't mean you, Jeffrey… calm down… Jesus… NO! I didn't mean Jesus either! Fuck!)
- A lot to drink – you gotta stay hydrated, and nothing kills the mood quite like sobriety
- Roofies – just in case
Bring some glasses so you don't spill the drinks everywhere – or get laser surgery, you four-eyed nerd.
And bring some plates. Plates are the only thing separating man from animal (women are a bit more complex). Then when ducks and other critters come begging for food
you can be like: "Nah, buddy; you don't even have a plate." This also works really well on the homeless.
3. Find the right spot
You can tell you've found the right spot by how it feels; it just feels good. Massage it correctly and he'll cum like a fountain.
All right, back to the picnic.
4. Flirt
Make sure to flirt. Wink a lot. This will be about as difficult as taking candy from a baby (or anything; trust me, they are weak as shit)
since you'll constantly have bugs in your eyes. This is also a great opportunity for push-and-pull: If your date calls you out on flirting,
say you just got something in your eye. Keep them on their toes; remember: It's a crime to show interest. The only acceptable way to let
someone know you like them is to act as if you don't… wonder how we ended up with rape-culture…
5. Pick flowers
Decapitate flowers together. That's incredibly romantic.
Imagine if flowers could talk. A bouquet would be much less appealing – just a screaming symphony of death.
But this isn't some make-believe wonderland; this is real life. So don't worry about it.
6. Conversation
Due to a severe lack of actual human effort, nature is still not equipped with tv screens on every tree, so you'll have to manually drown out the roaring awkward silence.
Sadly, unlike birds, humans desperately screaming for intercourse is in most cultures not considered exactly beautiful, so we are stuck doing it the hard way: conversation.
You might think it's a good idea to talk about current affairs but you'd be wrong; surprisingly, most people don't really want to hear about who else you fuck.
What you can talk about is nothing I can help you with; I'm not a speech coach.
7. Sex
Any good picnic ends in sex. If two people get down in a forest and no one is around to see it, was it even a date?
Don't be shy; don't be afraid. It's the most natural thing in the world. And honestly, what are they gonna do? Arrest you?… I mean, yeah, probably, but if you go for a quickie, you should be able
to pull out of there before the police show up. Just don't leave a load of DNA on the ground. Swallow.
Alternatively you could bring a whole bunch of picnic blankets and build a hump-fort. Although to be completely safe from any public indecency charges you may still technically have to buy the land.
But that could be a romantic gesture in itself.
Be careful, though; you'll be in a vulnerable position. Depending on where in the world you have gone into the wild, you may have to watch out for predators – unless, of course, you wanna flaunt your exhibitionism.
