April 25th, 2020
Hello my favorite influencees! Let's get those walnuts cleaned!
During the downtime of Horsefeathers Magazine I collected a bunch of helpful tips and tricks, which I am about to share with you now.
These are guaranteed to improve your life significantly – and if not, I have a very strict no refund policy.
Here goes:
In one of the original issues of Horsefeathers Magazine it was insinuated that I had had intercourse with a horse. I just want to make one thing
very clear: I have never – not ever! – had better sex.
So if you're looking for love and have a hole to fill, bestiality isn't all that bad – I can recommend a cow boy.
I bought new sheets for me and my boyfriend, but I don't think he likes them. When he saw them he was all like: "Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my bed?!" But maybe it was just the amnesia talking.
Those roofies hit him pretty hard… and you thought Lacey was just a bad pun for "lazy".
"Sternbach's finest" are now my favorite roofies. Use my promo code: LACEYDRUGS20 for 20% off on Silk Road. I'll throw in a "Flashmaster" flash light so you can find your way around the dark web.
Here's a trick for our teen audience. I used to play on my console a lot, and what I would do was to go in to any 2-player fighting game and start hitting the enemy – that way the second
controller doubled as a vibrator. And when my parents walked in and asked why I was playing against myself, I would tell them I felt lonely so I played with my pretend friend, Shane.
That always made them feel so bad they'd buy me candy.
Ironically, that's how I got addicted to sugar. I eat so much sugar, the doctor says I'm gonna get diabetes type 5.
If you're in the same boat, I suggest you do what I did: switch to coke – as we all know: liquid calories don't count; although it was a strange sensation snorting it.
I'm kidding of course; I switched to actual cocaine. Now Tony Montana is my little friend. I keep him in a small enclosure
and poke him with a stick as a sign of affection.
Seriously, though: A good rule of thumb for a healthy, varied diet is to mix a lot of colors for every meal – so my new diet is Skittles.
Love is a game – it's easier if you cheat. I found that out the easy way.
If you want to date a gamer girl, you need to play her right: Press left, right, G-spot, right, clitoris, G-spot, left to unlock true love.
If you wanna keep her, make sure to also get all the microtransactions.
If you ever rob a place, make sure to keep your voice down – better yet: become a dog whisperer.
Don't bring your donkey to the gym – all that gets you is a sore ass.
And definitely don't bring your rooster.
Someone found a bunch of old nudes of me.
What can I say? I was young; I needed the validation.
These days I do it for the money – check out our Patreon.
