October 8th, 2020
So Nurse Papa is the only one getting anything published on here these days – because apparently the actual staff has no intention of getting anywhere in life.
Now, the plan was to make this a monthly series, and we are proud to say we almost didn't fuck that up. This one is all about Cheetos.
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Dear Nurse Papa fans, please join the many thoughtful parents around the country who have written to Nurse Papa with their questions about the trials and tribulations of modern parenting. No matter the question, Nurse Papa will respond to all your letters personally and post his responses to the best ones here. Send your letters to david@nursepapathebook.com and write Dear Nurse Papa in the subject line.
Dear Nurse Papa,
We took our son to his classmate’s 6yo birthday party. During lunch, the kids sat at tables that were pre-set with 1 juice box and 1 random bag of chips. We were a few feet away from our son when we noticed his classmate sitting next to him quickly swapped a boring bag of plain potato chips for our son’s coveted bag of Cheetos while our son was turned away. When he turned back around, he was baffled and immediately realized what had happened, but the classmate played innocent as if nothing was amiss.
Our son doesn’t shy away from confrontation, but he is also naturally respectful enough to not impose on others, let alone physically take something from someone else, even if it was his to begin with.
I have many questions about this. Here are a few:
- How do we raise him to fight (figuratively and literally) for what’s his without turning him into an entitled and/or selfish jerk?
- Should we ever encourage him to resort to physically resolving these types of situations? (I don’t mean by violence, though I suppose it could lead to it; I mean more like should he have physically taken back what was his?)
- How do we teach him to share while making sure his generosity isn’t exploited?
- As parents in that exact moment, what should we have done? This is probably our most burning question.
Thanks,
Down with NPP
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Dear Down with NPP,
Before I address your very relevant question in all its parts, can we first agree that the next president of the United States should put a moratorium on all future kid birthday parties until congress signs into law a requirement that adult drinks be provided along with the requisite juice boxes? Conversations with parents previously known only as ‘Johnny’s dad’ can be emotionally painful when you are fully sober on a Sunday afternoon. As you pretend to listen about Johnny’s dad’s fascinating actuarial job at an insurance company the inevitable pain is diminished when you have a beer in hand.
Now, to your kid party dilemma. This is an incredibly sticky situation to address, not only because you want to be the best parent you can be, but also because Cheetos are the stickiest thing ever. They are the kid equivalent to a beer in hand. As your son patiently listens as ‘Johnny’ describes his bug collection while absentmindedly picking his nose, he can take comfort in the gustatorial joy of Cheetos. This is the snack that keeps on giving. Kids and adults alike can lick the ‘Cheetle’ (official term) from their fingers long after the last Cheeto has been crunched and swallowed. Cheetos are not just chips. They are puffy, orange clumps of cheese-like wonder. This is all to say that I consider a Cheeto theft to be a noteworthy event.
By his muted response to the chip bag switcheroo, I believe that your Cheeto-loving son has already shown how he wants his attentive parents to respond. I am guessing that this is not the first or the last time that this particular boy has wronged your son or another classmate. You stated that your son doesn’t shy away from confrontation, which suggests to me that he simply might have deemed the Great Cheeto injustice of 2020 not worth a public confrontation.
Let’s pretend for a moment though, that your son’s acquiescence stems from the intimidation and confusion he was experiencing in that Cheeto stealing moment and not from his decision that a retaliatory response was simply not worth the trouble. What to do then?
How do we raise him to fight (figuratively and literally) for what’s his without turning him into an entitled and/or selfish jerk?
This is a definitive moment for you both as parents. The lessons you teach your six-year-old now can stay with him for a very long time. It can define how you feel and act as parents too. Although I think it is important for you to instill a strong sense of independence and self-worth in your son, I don’t necessarily believe that teaching him to fight aggressively for what he wants is the way to do this. In a moment like this where the worst case scenario is a crummy bag of Lays, follow your son’s lead. Instead of bursting in on the scene like Spiderman to right the grave injustice you witnessed, talk about it with your son later. Find out from him what it felt like to endure that carb swap. Allow him to feel heard by you. How he feels about something may have much more impact than what you do about that same thing. Talking to him in a setting that is less charged, less embarrassing, and less crowded with people (including Johnny’s lame ass dad) is a way to get to the bottom of these feelings. By raising a boy who knows how to use his words and be honest with his internal world you will avoid raising an entitled and/or selfish jerk. Trust me.
Should we ever encourage him to resort to physically resolving these types of situations? (I don’t mean by violence, though I suppose it could lead to it; I mean more like should he have physically taken back what was his?)
No. Encouraging physical violence does not feel like the right lesson to impart to your child. In any case, 99% of six-year-olds don’t need some dumb adult to teach them how to be aggressive. That base impulse is deep in their bones already. Instead, teach your son how to be gracious, how to negotiate, and how to share. When you do this you will also be teaching that Cheeto stealing bastard sitting next to him. If your son did aggressively retrieve his Cheetos this would represent an opportunity for you to step in and teach both boys another path. Maybe they could split the bags and enjoy a variety of tastes and textures. Maybe the other boy could have a chance to explain why he took the bag. Teaching communication rather than thoughtless physical reaction is key. There is no need to impart more of the same aggressive and toxic masculinity of which there is certainly no shortage in our culture.
How do we teach him to share while making sure his generosity isn’t exploited?
Your son will gain so much more through generosity than he ever will through getting what he wants when he wants it. Learning to sacrifice and play well with others when he is young will pay dividends when he is older. You did not mention if you have other children, but if you do, you already understand the peace of having your two kids play and get along together in comparison to the hell of them fighting all the time. Teach your son to stand up for himself when it matters, but not to take issue with every situation that does not fall in his favor. Having the ability to be flexible in a world that is almost always not fair will be the greatest gift you can bequeath your boy.
As parents in that exact moment, what should we have done? This is probably our most burning question.
Oh, I feel the burn too. How you reacted was oh so perfect. You two are naturals at this parenting thing (interested in an advice column?) You did not react wildly/aggressively and thereby teach your son to do the exact same thing. You watched in the background all the while knowing that your son was safe and cared for, albeit Cheeto-less. You did not step in to save him by intimidating another. Parents are not supposed to fight with kids who steal chips from their child. My only other suggestion would be that you take the time later on to help your son share his feelings and maybe, just maybe, your perfect little guy finds himself a nice big bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos under his pillow tomorrow morning. Most importantly, you sought out the advice of Nurse Papa and I am ever so glad you did.
Love ya more than Cheetos (nah),
Nurse Papa
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