September 3rd, 2021
Are you also a fat fuck who trembles at the mere mention of getting up from the couch? Of course you are.
Oh, no, don't cry – I'm not asking you to actually get up.
It's time to proverbially dust off the old bathroom scale (because let's face it: You tossed the literal scale 60 pounds ago, and – more importantly – fuck dusting).
Obesity is like the worst silent killer in the Western hemisphere. Next to Ted Bundy, obesity is the most extremely wicked, shockingly evil and vile condition anyone can be diagnosed with.
Unfortunately there's still no cure for obesity because these dumbass scientists are still wasting time trying to cure such nonsense as cancer – leaving the rest of us to suffer without the cure we so desperately need and deserve.
I usually teach you about love, but since the only deciding factor in love is physical appearance I obviously also know everything about how to turn an eyesore like you into a beautiful princess (regardless of gender), so you too can get laid by Prince Charming (regardless of sexual preference).
So today I will show you how to undo the last five years of effort you poured into developing that stability ball you call a stomach.
Before we begin, I need to say that when it comes to dieting, the most important thing to remember is this: The best diet is the diet that works for you – and I'll decide exactly which one that is.
These six scientifically proven diets are guaranteed to work because a bunch of highly educated folk in white coats did some depraved and perverted shit to a large quantity of defenseless rodents and then unrelatedly decided that these diets work.
So these diets are scientifically proven to work – if you're a mouse. But you're not; I can tell because mice don't read… uncivilized beasts…
On the other hand, you're most likely at the end of your wits seeing as you've come to Horsefeathers Magazine to find dieting advice, so you might as well try them – the diets that is, not the mice (they contain too many calories).
All right, let's get into it. Here are six scientifically proven ways to lose weight:
Salmonella
Although it sounds like it would be, this isn't a seafood diet. Or well, you are gonna see all your food in the toilet.
Salmonella is a great diet because the salmonella bacteria are gram-negative, which in this context is self-explanatory. As an added benefit salmonella comes with stomach cramps so you get to work on your six pack while slimming down.
It is hard to go eat out when you're on a diet and this is no less true for the salmonella diet – if you try to order raw chicken the waiter will refuse to serve it due to some nonsense about "health code violations"… I don't know, all I heard him say was: "Fuck your dreams".
Salmonella is the perfect diet in these stressful times where no one has got neither the time, discipline nor emotional stability to stick to a diet for more than a few hours: The salmonella diet only takes 4 to 7 days of nonstop purging.
As a word of warning: This diet will bring you alarmingly close to death, but with a bit of careful consideration you'll realize the results are well worth the risk.
Tapeworm
Most of you kids won't know this, what with your clever telephones and all, but back in the day when Noah built that big ass boat just to rescue his pets and let everyone else drown, we had this mind boggling piece of technology called "tapes".
Now, a tapeworm is something completely different.
This is more than just a diet; this is a pet. At first glance a tapeworm may seem like a slightly unconventional choice for a pet, but you will soon realize how trusty a companion a tapeworm really is.
Unlike some of God's more ungrateful creatures (like boyfriends) a tapeworm is always right there with you. With this diet you get a real responsibility for a living being – something you get to nourish and care for. And one day you will, with tears of joy and pride and an overwhelming feeling of accomplishment, watch your fully grown tapeworm graduate from college.
An experience like this is absolutely priceless for a pet owner, and will be well worth the effort – whether you lost a few pounds or not.
If you can't acquire a tapeworm, it's probably because even parasites feel they can do better. As a readily available alternative you could get pregnant – it's basically the same, just that tapeworms turn out more pleasant.
Granted, getting pregnant as a strategy for weight loss slightly favors women, because for men step one would take a minor medical miracle (that is, finding someone who will have sex with them).
Just a heads-up: Turns out pregnancy is a 9 month commitment, just because that bitch Judy at the abortion clinic doesn't think it's a good idea to terminate the baby 32 weeks in. Just because you have a defunct uterus doesn't mean you have to force your prolife bullshit on me, Judy.
Depression
Depression is a great diet because depression will straight up just kill your appetite.
This diet requires a bit of prep-work because you do need to go and acquire some major emotional trauma, but once you're up and running it will potentially serve you for years without you having to put any additional effort into it. And honestly it doesn't even take that much to get started: All you have to do is go out into the world and trust people – life and society will then leave you with the kind of taste in your mouth that will have you drinking bleach for a multitude of reasons (primarily bulimia).
You do need to drink a lot of water on this diet to stay hydrated, because you will be crying incessantly – that is, crying tears of joy because you're finally losing some weight.
With depression, when you're in the thick of it (seeing as I didn't bother to rephrase that, I understand how the pun may seem intended – which it definitely was), the diet becomes real easy. I once lost 5 pounds just trying to get out of bed.
Addiction
Developing an addiction is a great way to keep you distracted from eating. At the same time your brain will get its dopamine from the addiction, so it's not gonna go looking for it in food.
This works tremendously well even with just minor addictions like video games, pornography, or meth. For reasons beyond me (and science), this doesn't seem to work with chocolate.
The best way to develop an addiction is to tell yourself you cannot do what you're trying to get addicted to and then just let reverse psychology do its thing.
To amp up the efficacy of this diet, make sure to pick an expensive addiction like hookers, heroin, or industrial grade glue, so even if you do somehow feel the hunger over the constant stream of dopamine, you won't be able to afford anything but stale cardboard.
Go vegan
I mean, just look at those scrawny, pale-as-drywall motherfuckers. Have you ever seen a fat vegan? No, you haven't. This diet works because vegan food is so bland that your boredom will overrule your hunger. No one can eat that much sawdust and still manage to pretend to like it. Anyone claiming to have been sticking to a vegan diet for more than a few days is obviously lying and secretly snacking on beef jerky.
You are what you eat, so if all you eat is celery, no wonder you are fucking annoying.
As a word of warning: Cutting out meat from your diet will result in deficiencies in essential nutrients like antibiotics and steroids – ask your local doctor for a prescription.
Fasting
This may be a scientifically proven way to lose weight but I can't recommend trying – it's just not worth the sacrifice.
In conclusive
Maybe what you need to lose isn't weight but that self-loathing view of yourself and your body – maybe you need to realize that you are beautiful just the way you are and that real beauty is on the inside. Don't let socially constructed beauty standards dictate your sense of self worth. Haha! I'm kidding of course! Lose some weight, you fat fuck.
