May 10th, 2021
While the whole world went into some sort of coma because of the global pandemonium, here at Horsefeathers Magazine we kept on trucking and used this extraordinary opportunity to do what we do best: jack shit.
I mean, everyone else was having a nice government-funded staycation, so why shouldn't we?
But seemingly society is starting back up, so we probably need to get back to work as well if we want to keep our wives and kids (so, yeah, don't expect anything).
A few things have happened, though: As you probably didn't notice, the magazine has gotten a complete overhaul. We want the look and feel of the magazine to reflect that we are a serious business with serious ambitions, serious advice and serious debt.
We spent all the money we didn't make during the lockdown on this update. The programmer guy did not seem all that pleased to find out we couldn't actually "pay".
But we figured he doesn't need the money, seeing as the IT industry is booming and he probably lives for free in his mother's basement – so we don't really have any conscientious quarrels, which is all that matters.
He was all like: "I'm gonna sue you for everything you own!"
Joke's on him – now he's the one who has to water grandma Constance twice a week.
For the relunch we'll keep it light and just have pizza and Corona (the disease, not the beer – we're not alcoholics).
New Year's Resolutions
Since 2021 is just about to sort of start, we have decided to postpone our New Year's resolutions until now – there's no point in setting yourself a bunch of goals you won't meet.
2021 is going to be the year we completely change absolutely nothing about ourselves. But for good measure here are our 2021 New Year's resolutions:
- Write more… or not… probably not…
- Work out more… or not… probably not…
- Shamelessly use a metric fucktonne of stock photos. We don't always know what to say (haha, just kidding – we always have some bullshit on our hands; we're experts!), but a picture says more than a thousand words. Unless it's a 4K picture – then it obviously says more than four thousand words.
- Write more Search Engine Optimized articles. Not in order to rank high on Google – we just really like the repetitive nature of that genre.
- Tweet more. We realize the average human specimen has the learning ability of dried lettuce, so the only way to get through to anyone is to bombard them with advice and hope something sticks (and the one piece of information that sticks will invariably be the advice about comfort eating to forget about uncle Conrad's dick).
- Put up a paywall (no, of course not; what do you think this is? A serious magazine with the intention to make money? Don't kid yourself).
- Disect a frog.
- Join a cult.
- Give more money to charity… or not… probably not…
Obviously, this is all just a very elaborate April Fool's Day ruse – we're not actually going to start working; neither mentally, emotionally nor laborally.
