March 17th, 2024
At this point you're just gonna have to come to terms with the fact that Horsefeathers Magazine treats publishing articles primarily as a biannual hobby, at best.
So in the spirit of all great journalism, this article probably isn't even relevant anymore.
All I can say is: Enjoy this half-arsed piece of literature.
Today we will teach you how to reintegrate with society now that the gods
(i.e. the government) have defeated the pandemic and completely eradicated the
virus with autism-inducing vaccines. It is finally safe to leave your apartment
– just kidding; we know you live in your mom's basement… and that's
okay.
Society has made a brave attempt at clawing its way back to normalcy for many
moons at this point, but here at Horsefeathers Magazine we, as per usual,
haven't done jack shit – and neither have you. If you're anything like us
– which you are – you saw quarantine as the golden ticket of
excuses. You became Charlie and you locked yourself in that chocolate factory,
overjoyed that social interaction had finally been outlawed. But times have
changed and your boss figured out you never actually worked from home,
so in order to keep putting chocolate on the table you'll have to reintegrate
with "civil" society.
After being imprisoned at home for years, I, personally (and profesionally),
decided to go on a pilgrimage, just to get out of the house for a while.
What an experience! That is something I can only recommend you never try.
Two out of ten; refuse to ever walk again.
What the rest of the Horsefeathers Magazine staff did during this time is unclear to me – but it sure as shit didn't involve writing.
Anywho – right in time for Christmas, here's the Horsefeathers Magazine guide on how to redisintegrate with society:
1. Basic hygiene
Considering the circumstances, we have to take things back to basics, because let's be honest: During quarantine you showered a total of exactly one and a half times. So take a shower (if you remember how – else just spray some deodorant on random parts of your body), brush your teeth (or just chew some gum), and start using toilet paper again.
2. Professional attire
Most importantly – and we know all of you already made this mistake – you once again have to put on pants. And shoes. But no socks.
3. Dealing with other people
Be adviced: People are awful. You may think you already were aware
of this fact, but nothing will prepare you for the absolute horror of social
interaction. Having to deal with other people is more taxing than political
socialism.
Once again you'll be faced with dumbasses who hold inexplicably moronic beliefs,
and they'll be faced with your infallible logic and reasoning, which will
inevitably lead to clashes that life in the echo chamber couldn't possibly have
prepared you for. But there's an easy solution to win people over and show
them the truth: When people disagree with you, all you have to do is throw a
temper tantrum – that way they will understand your points much more
clearly. Alternatively you can wait in anticipation for the "Horsefeathers
Magazine Guide to Winning Arguments" which, with our current rate of production,
will be released in September, 2026.
If you divorced your spouse during quarantine (which you probably did, judging
by the divorce rate, and the fact that they are who they are (you know what we
mean)), going out into society will make you regret that decision immediately.
They may most definitely have been clinically insane, but other people are so
much worse. A strong marriage is not built on love but on relentless disgust
with all other options.
4. Be socially awkward
At this point most of you have probably completely forgotten the art of
social ineptitude, but fear not: This skill is never truly lost. It's like
riding a bike: Once you've learned it, you'll never be able to truly rid
yourself of the burden. I'm still riding a bike to work every day.
First off, you'll want to expect people to be interesting. Then you'll want
to expect them to be interested in you. Simple two-step recipe for disaster
right there – only an absolute crouton would be able to mess this up and
actually end up having a pleasant conversation. So when you inevitably find
yourself caught up in a pleasant conversation about your pets, kids, or other
toys, this is what you want to do to get out: Try to make a joke – for
instance (and this is based on true events) say something like: "Personally, I
am truly a dog person – I love sniffing butts," then laugh hysterically
(alone), hold prolonged eye contact for twenty-three seconds, realize what you
have done, excuse yourself, get up, and leave the country.
5. Verticality
One of the most unfortunate consequences of things going back to normal is
that we all have to learn how to be upright again. Just the unreasonable
amounts of exercise required to get out of bed. Restructuring your life from
horizontal to vertical is no easy feat – actually, it's rather dangerous.
Your body will no longer be used to being erect (haha, that's a funny word),
so when you first get up from the couch (for the first time in like six hundred
and thirty-seven days) you may experience a total system failure and faint.
While you're down, you might as well take a quick nap.
In general, you'll find that you are always off-balance (emotionally).
6. Social distancing
The greatest blessing of the twenty-first century has been social
distancing. Finally some respect for personal space! Sadly it seems people have
forgotten all about this holiest of commandments ("Thou shalt not trespass on
thy neighbour's personal space"), so now it's back to having strangers drool all
over your neck while you're waiting in line at Walmart.
A good precaution is to now wear a hazmat suit whenever you go to Walmart…
to be fair, you probably should have been doing that all along.
But that doesn't mean you can't insist on your social distance – it just
means you should stop shopping at Walmart. Bring a broom everywhere you go and
smack anyone who comes within 6 feet of you.
If you want to be truly safe, stay home and have everything delivered to
your doorstep. Don't open up – tell them to leave it outside the door and
slowly back away from the package (cease the opportunity to turn life into an
action movie). If we all start ordering stuff online, maybe Amazon Jeff
Bezos will finally see some monetary success.
7. Back to the office
The work-from-home craze is officially over, and it's time to go back to the office
– back to life in the cuticle. So grab you scissors, your polish and your Finnish.
What does that even mean? Who knows; you figure it out.
Like all reasonable people, you were fired for refusing to come back to the
office after having had a taste of the sweet life that is working without pants.
So due to the devastatingly unfair nature of the universe, you now need to find a new job.
As you probably realized during isolation, you don't love your job and
life is too short to waste it on working for someone else to get rich off of your
labor. What you should do is start your own business selling customized,
hand-painted toilet paper. Or find a job you actually love – refuse to
believe that a job is a necessary evil. If you're gonna spend a third of your
day doing something, it might as well be something you love – so obviously
you gotta stop sleeping.
I, like most people, hated lockdown, because I, like most people, missed my
boss. Although, she did call me much more often – she even started
calling me when I was sleeping, saying silly things like: "Why are you not in
the Zoom meeting?"
That's what made working from home so great: You just sleep so much better
knowing you're getting paid for it.
As a word of warning: The very first thing that will happen when you do get back
to the office is that you sit down on your chair and it immediately gives in to the
pressure – either due to all the quarantined weight you put on or just due to the
sheer terror of human contact. But fear not; no one's gonna notice – they're
all busy reassembling their own chairs.
How to actually survive in a harsh, hostile environment like an office space is a topic
for a whole article in itself, which we promise to write, I think.
8. Friends
The best way to get out of isolation and back into society is to socialize with old friends – popular things to do together include: go have a beer, hang out in the park, or crash a baby shower. Unfortunately, what you will find is that out of all your friends you have exactly one left and it's that guy who once catfished you on LinkedIn – everyone else is gone. This is very natural as people have had time to reevaluate their lives during lockdown, and people just grow apart, you know; it's completely normal. That being said, obviously you are the common denominator, and this is a clear reflection of your worth as a human being. But not to worry, there are solutions to this problem: 1) Find new friends who will tolerate your bullshit and love you despite your flagrant character flaws (unlikely), or 2) learn how to become a normal person (this is where we come in – make sure to like, comment and subscribe to Horsefeathers Magazine, so you never miss out on our truly helpful, insightful, and life-changing articles).
9. Going outside
Unlike your mom's basement, the outdoors is full of all kinds of nonsense…
like weather. Going outside is an absolute nightmare: You get ready for the
nice summer weather, you put on socks in sandals and your best khaki shorts and
(due to complete social injustice and inequality which many a man would
agree should be corrected immediately) a top if you're female – then you step
outside, lock the door, and are immediately covered in two metric tonnes of
weapons-grade cloud-cum. In a brief lapse of judgment you wonder if this is
what global warming has come to, but then you remember that you know full well
that global warming is a hoax made up by the same fraudulent governments that
keep claiming Louis Armstrong went to the moon. You later find out that even
the scientists couldn't explain the sudden snowfall, which makes you feel
strangely superior. So you go back inside and dig out the old winter coat, put
it on, go out, and are immediately drenched in sweat due to the blaring
heat.
The way to overcome this daily inconvenience is to hire your own, personal
meteorologist and threaten to kill his pet turtle if he is ever wrong.
You see, the meteorologists on TV don't face any real consequences for being
wrong – they just go: "Oh well, what can you do? It's the weather," then
shrug and smile a bit too enthusiastically considering the subject matter, and
then they have the audacity to go on the air and lie straight to your face
again the very next day! But when you raise the stakes for your own,
private meteorologist, he will be sure to put in an actual effort.
Or you could just bring your coat everywhere.
As you can tell, getting back to society is a lot of work, but with consistent effort and patience, you will come to realize that you prefer to stay inside.
