April 8th, 2020
That's right! Very akin to Jesus we have resurrected just to tell people how to behave. We're back to help you morons figure out how to become better at life; together we'll ascend to morons 2.0.
Obviously our missionary goal is, also like Jesus, to build a worldwide empire of religious fanatics, lunatics and genocidal maniacs. Our doggy style goals are reserved for our patrons.
Unlike Moses we're probably not splitting any opinions on these Bible-references, though – I think we can all unanimously agree they're god-awful.
We realize no one really missed us and the last thing any of you probably wanted was for us to reemerge from the shadowy depths of procrastination, despair and months-old chocolate chip cookies, yet here we are.
You can't always get what you want – we would know, because our many first attempts at this failed miserably.
The aim with this fancy, new website will be to publish an article at least once a week but we're obviously not gonna stick to that schedule – we're not in school anymore. Don't tell us what to do! We tell you what to do.
We've gone away from writing an actual magazine because apparently the kids of today have the attention span of a cockroach – at least our staff had; they were all gone after just 4 issues.
We will probably be publishing some of the trash from the original issues of Horsefeathers Magazine as stand-alone
articles here because we're clearly lazy ass fucks – you didn't actually think it took us more than a year to get things back up and running because we were otherwise occupied, did you?
We're lifestyle experts – not lifestyle enthusiasts. What would we even have done in all that time? Research? Don't kid yourself. We're naught but monkeys with keyboards –
all we're good for is writing Shakespeare; "to potatoe or not to potatoe," that's the real question. The way I came up with that stupid joke was trying to think of something clever;
thus realizing my brain is a potato. As you can see, the year was well spent.
The closest to lifestyle research we've done has been the makeshift bubblebath in the office we created out of a bucket of sunshine and a severed elephant trunk. We got kicked out of the building because of
the water leak.
So what have we been doing?
Well, Miss Understanding went way out of her comfort-zone and started doing skydiving lessons. Surprisingly, she only killed 3 of her students. Not during skydiving; they suffocated during muffdiving when she abused her position of power. She's currently
wanted for murder but we are trying to arrange diplomatic immunity for her – unless the bounty gets large enough of course. She wasn't really down for writing articles again, but she came back for the relaunch – she said it sounded delicious (because she thought it was a re-lunch, in case you didn't catch that – it's okay; we can't all
be geniuses).
Guru Vantufak meditated himself out of existence but seeing as his harem couldn't follow him into Nirvana he has made a cumback for more exposure – at least that's how we understood it; all he said was: "I need to expose myself."
Lacey has been doing literally nothing all this time, winning a lot of admiration from Guru Vantufak.
The reverend probably kept himself busy by fucking numerous altar boys but we can't be sure because the church kept emailing us to stop questioning – this seems to be a recurring thing for them.
Anyone else working for the magazine I either forgot about or fired.
All right, that's about it for me… and just to one-up our competition: See you in two days!
